


the biggest, the prettiest.

by daienkaixoxentei



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, Funny, Gen, Locker Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-07 00:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8775613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daienkaixoxentei/pseuds/daienkaixoxentei
Summary: The Generation of Miracles experience locker room talk. Things get way out of hand. (originally an ask//crossposted from tumblr)





	

**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost: All dicks are beautiful. Seriously. This needs to be said. I've always imagined this happening, so y'all take a look and enjoy as well!

“ _Maa_ ,” Kise stretches contentedly by his locker as he took off his jersey, earning a well-deserved crack around some of his joints, “that wasn’t such a boring game, you know? Some of these teams nowadays are really good!” 

Midorima sighs from two lockers away, methodically opening it before shrugging out of his sweaty jersey gently. He folds it neatly and tucks it into a plastic bag before responding to the blonde, “We beat them by twenty points, nanodayo.” 

“Exactly!” Kise nods emphatically, eyes alight. “It was only _twenty_ points! Yesterday, it was a hundred, you know?” 

Aomine gives a great yawn as he slips off his jersey and flings it into a corner offhandedly, making Midorima tut in disapproval and scowl at him. Aomine pays him no attention and stretches out on the bench, looking extraordinarily like a lithe cat. “Huh, you do have a point. Still fucking boring, though.” 

He yawns again. Kuroko seemingly appears out of nowhere, also similarly shirtless, and sits by Aomine’s feet on the bench. “Akashi-kun wanted us to play, Aomine-kun.” 

“That is right,” the redhead in question says as he enters the locker room and Aomine grimaces, knowing he is in trouble. He gives Aomine a stern look as he passes by the bench on his way to the lockers, “these are the Nationals. We have an almost certain chance of winning them. Take your jersey off of the floor, Aomine.”

This last part he says as he turns his back to them and takes off his jersey. Grumbling, Aomine makes his way off the bench in order to retrieve his sweaty shirt. The five of them go about their business, changing out of their sweaty jerseys and into cleaner clothes. In fact, all was silent until Aomine, as crass and crude as can be, takes off his jersey shorts and messily stuffs it into his bag… and a certain Kise Ryouta’s attention is caught by something rather… surprising. 

“ _Whoooooooooooa_ , Aominecchi!” The blonde exclaims loudly, a flush in his cheeks as he stares, eyes wide, directly at Aomine’s nether regions. His voice carries a hint of jealousy underneath the awe. “Is that… _WHAT?_ Yours is so big, Aominecchi, what the hell!” 

A confused and somewhat irked Aomine hastily turns his back to Kise, flustered despite himself. “The _fuck_ , Kise!?” He nearly screeches. “Mind your own business, _damn_ it! Just because you have a tiny dong doesn’t mean you have to fucking _gawk_ at dicks!” 

Flabbergasted, Kise pouts prettily and picks up the nearest object, a discarded lotion bottle, and promptly hurls it towards Aomine. Kuroko watches, his eyes and expression impassive as the lotion flies through the air neatly. It hits him squarely on the back of the head and the infuriated blunette turns around, glaring and shaking his fist at threateningly at the blonde. Kise is undeterred. 

“ _WHAT THE HELL_ , AOMINECCHI?” He screeches back indignantly, and Midorima winces in annoyance at the high pitch of his voice. “I DO _NOT_ HAVE A TINY DONG!” 

Aomine’s fists are shaking by his sides, his tanned face as red as humanly possible. He is _not_ comfortable with this situation, whatsoever. “Yeah?” He shoots back heatedly. “It’s still tinier than mine!” 

“Ehhhh!” Kise exclaims, frowning. “Aominecchi, yours is _huge_! I don’t even _want_ mine to be as big as that… besides,” he adds in a snarky manner under his breath, “I know mine is ten times prettier than yours.” 

“Like _hell_ it is!” Aomine scowls. “The only one with a prettier dick than me is _me_!” 

Kise fires up irately, but Kuroko chooses that moment to cut in. 

“You both seem familiar with each other’s penises.” He comments observationally, and both boys, furious, turn a deeper crimson and turn their fangs on him. 

“ _You_ stay out of this, Tetsu,” Aomine’s scowl seems permanently printed into the lines of his face, “This is between me and _this_ idiot!” 

Kuroko turns his eyes to him, expression and voice still impassive, “Are you saying that I am not qualified to compete, Aomine-kun?” 

“Fools.” Midorima interrupts them all suddenly, pushing up his glasses and slamming his locker door shut irritably. “Why are you arguing over such a trivial matter?” 

“Well”— Kise begins, but Midorima cuts him off impassively, continuing his previous sentence. 

“There is obviously no argument about this matter,” he tilts his head up superlatively, and as he crosses his arm, light reflects off of the lenses of his glasses, “my penis is obviously superior to you all, nanodayo.” 

Aomine and Kise stare at him in unabated shock. Even Kuroko raises his eyebrows in surprise. In the corner, Akashi gives them all a cold look and shakes his head imperceptibly.

Aomine recovers first, and points an accusatory finger at Midorima. “Oh, yeah? _Prove_ it! Take it out and show us!” 

“W- _What_?” Midorima flushes angrily and brings up a palm to hide his face. “S-Stop being absurd, nanodayo!” 

“Midorimacchi, are you _scared_?” Kise taunts. “Are you scared of losing?” 

“T-THIS ISN’T _EVEN_ A COMPETITION, NANODAYO!” 

“Midorimacchi is _scared_ …” 

“Aomine-kun, please keep it firmly inside, we do not want to see…” 

“YOU FOOLS!” 

“YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS OF MY DONG, _MIDORIMA_!” 

“Silence.” Akashi interrupts calmly, feeling that it has gotten out of hand. He closes his locker door and turns his head back to them, eyes cold and unfeeling. The four of them quiet down at once. The redhead turns back towards his locker and picks up his bag, preparing to leave the locker room.

As soon as he turns away, Kise covers his mouth and discreetly whispers to Aomine, _“Akashicchi has a small dick, Aominecchi…”_

“Shut up, Kise,” Aomine mutters, “don’t try to side with me… Mine’s still prettier than yours.” 

“I’ll have _that_ , Aominecchi”—Kise starts again, riled, but stops again at once as the door leading to the showers opens, admitting the final member of the Generation of Miracles into the locker room. 

Murasakibara, unaware of the previous argument, yawns and runs a hair through his soaked purple hair as he lumbers into the locker room sleepily, buck naked. In his usual negligence he has forgotten to tie a towel around his waist. He walks towards his locker, not noticing the shocked expression on his teammates’ faces as all five of them stare in an almost reverent type of amazement between his legs. 

Needless to say, the argument never arose in the Generation of Miracles’ locker room ever again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! All praise the mighty Mura-Dong!


End file.
